wandering lost

"Not all those who wander are lost."

I love Lord of the Rings. I've read the books, I quote the movies, I collect Tolkien-related merchandise... one of my favorite quotes is the one listed above. At first, I loved the quote just because it was Tolkien. But then I realized how much it made me think of myself, and through my senior of high school, it was basically my theme.

Nearly a year ago, I wrote this rather blunt post - Follow Your Dreams (Unless We Don't Approve of Them) - about how I didn't feel called to go to college, but how I did have lots of post-graduation plans. I wrote, "Sometimes I think people are worried I'll become some sort of couch potato bum. But I'm pretty sure my parents won't let that happen to me. I hope to learn more about housekeeping and cooking; I hope to work on my latest novel; I hope to have time to disciple some of the younger ladies in my life; I hope to continue playing music on the praise team at my church, and much more. I won't be bored. So why worry about me?" I sounded so convincing, but as I wrote the post, I still felt lost. I had lots of plans and ideas, but I was still a bit apprehensive.

Not all those who wander are lost.

Hardly any of the things I wanted to do after graduation actually happened. Life kind of got in the way. I got a job, which has been challenging at times, but has also been a great financial blessing. And then of course I spend a lot of time talking to my person and investing in our relationship. :) But sometimes I still feel a bit lost.

According to Tolkien, sometimes it's okay to wander. Sometimes we have to try things, to experiment, to go on an adventure. We're haven't lost our way, we're simply exploring.

Lately I feel as if I've been wandering lost. I know I need to step out and adventure, but I'm scared to. So instead I stay close to what I know, repeating the same mundane tasks, and wondering why I feel like I'm doing nothing.

Maybe it's time to explore a bit. Maybe it's time to wander more purposefully. My anchors are, of course, my faith in God, my family, and my best friend. My anchors will keep my safe and call me home. But maybe it's time to step out in faith a bit and see what God wants me to do for Him.

"Klarabelle"

BFF = BF

The other day I was scrolling through old files on my computer and I came across a forgotten document titled, "Best Friends Are Like Boyfriends." My boyfriend was in the room, so I started feeling really embarrassed...but also really curious. So after he left, I opened the document. It said...

Best friends...

Are like boyfriends. 

You want to talk to them all the time You see them everyday, and you still don't see them enough  You can't wait to see them You e-mail them all the time You think about them constantly Something funny happens and you think, "I can't wait to tell them that!" You have a bad day, and you tell them about it before you tell anyone else If you get into a fight, you can't stop thinking about it until you make up And if you ever lose one... It breaks your heart.

I wrote this in February of 2010 - nearly six years ago - as a very angsty and sensitive preteen. But now, as a more mature, but still emotional, young adult, I can say...for the most part it's true. It isn't always happiness and sunshine, because my boyfriend and I are two sinful people with our problems and sometimes selfish desires. We have never been in a relationship with anyone else before, so we are still learning a lot, like how to communicate and be open with each other. We are still discovering how to love each other while at the same time loving God even more. We are learning how to put the other person first. 
But I do love talking to him. I love listening to his thoughts and dreams. We spend hours together, but I still wouldn't mind more. Knowing that I get to see him makes the crummiest day worthwhile. Though we don't e-mail (it isn't 2010 anymore), we text frequently. He pops into my mind whether he is invited or not, because when someone is part of your life, they never really leave your thoughts. Whenever something amusing happens at work, I'll plan the most dramatic and funny way to tell him about it later. And when I'm upset, he's the first person I want to talk to. Though we haven't had a true fight, the small disagreements we've shared have been resolved quickly. And I pray that I will never have to lose him because he is truly my best friend, and I don't know what I'd do without him.
Yes, best friends are like boyfriends. Though the junior high student typing onto a computer document knew only an ideal, romanticized version of love, she was right in the end. Best friends are like boyfriends, because if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, that someone will become your best friend. Not only that, but they will become your confidant, advisor, companion, love, comforter, sidekick, partner in crime, your leader or helpmeet...the person who knows more about you than anyone else on the planet. The person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Your best friend. 
// We'll always make it through / As long as you've got me and I've go you / We will take the world in our stride / Anything can be possible by your side //  The Way You Are, David Choi

enough

This is a follow-up to my post, "Content to be Little". The other day while washing dishes at work I came to an interesting realization: that all I have right now is enough. That having an all-powerful God who loves enough to die for me is all that I could ever need; He is my greatest reward, He is all-sufficient, and before all else He must truly be my all in all.

December 2014

That having a man who loves me is enough, even if he can't marry me right away and even if we are separated by months and miles. The fact that he is loving, supportive, thoughtful, godly, respectable, a strong leader, a good listener, and a hard worker is enough.

January 2012

That having a body covered in medical-related scars is enough. That there is always someone who is better off than you, but there is also someone who is worse off than you. The point isn't to compare with others, but to find joy no matter the circumstance.

May 2015

That God has given me more blessings and gifts that I can realize, and that I don't deserve any of them. I belong entirely to the Creator and though He could do anything He likes to me, He chooses to love me even when I screw up, to pick me up when I fall, and to love me when I am at my most unloveable.  That everything I have is more than enough. // These are the things that make us realize // Life is beautiful - the Afters